I find myself at a crossroads, in several ways. I'm not doing the kind of work I want to do; I am not even using my degree--which is not really the brightest moves on my part--but in my defense, history MAs are not in the greatest of demand. So, I'm not doing well financially, and that really wouldn't bother me, except I have found that there are a few things in life that I want: security is one of them, and having a house of my own is such a major part of my dream.
I'm also at an age where I'm no longer the young woman I used to be. I'm not an old woman, but I''ve definately moved toward the crone years: I have (surprise) mixed feelings about this. There was never much of a chance of me having children, do to medical problems; now, well it's beyond the laws of probability. I'm facing changes in my body that I have no control over, it's like going through puberty again, only there isn't the whole world out there waiting for me.
What do I do now? I'm divorced, and I still haven't forgiven myself for not being able to make the marriage work, or to stick it out. My friends and family haven't been much comfort in that department, as they've made their disappointment more than a little apparent. I hate that my finances plummeted after the divorce. I should have gotten a lawyer, but I thought my ex wouldn't do anything underhanded, and I just felt like I wanted to get it out of the way. Well, I should have paid more attention to my finances for the future, because the little I was given was a fraction of what I'd put into the marriage.
And now, my ex has moved so completely on with things he's remarried, and has a brand new car and house. Hhmm, he seems to be doing great emotionally and financially. I think back to the years I tried so hard to have my ex look for a house for us. He just kept coming up with reasons we couldn't do it. For some inexplicable reason he was suddenly ready to buy a great house within six months of our divorce. That really was like a knife in the heart. I want my own space so badly it makes me cry when I think about it. Now he's living the life I had wanted for us, but just couldn't seem to make happen.
I know I need to put all of this behind me, that it eats away at me; yet, I have no idea how I'm to do that. How does a person kiss ten years of their life and soul goodbye? And it's not really my ex, it's his family. Goddess how I miss that family. They were truly the family I'd always wanted, and I loved them dearly. My ex made sure very early on that I wouldn't be able continue a relationship with any of them. He went so far as to call my siblings and talk to them--and the traitors that they are, have never told me what my ex had said to them. All I wanted, all I've ever wanted, was for someone to stand up for me. I just want a little recognition from people: recognition for doing nice things for other people; recognition for working hard and educating myself without the help or support of my family; recognition that I am a good and loyal friend who deserves better than being pushed aside until something bad happens.

It hurts to be ignored, to be passed over. I experience it all the time. I try and be the best person I can be. I'm nice and thoughtful; I'm sweet; I'm loyal; I'm funny; I have many things I'd love to offer people--but no one seems to be interested.
I get this all of the time online. At forums, I can be one of the most senior members, post all of the time--yet no one responds to my questions or posts. And it's even worse at places where there is some flirting going on. The males steer clear of me as if I were an STD. I swear, I'm not clingy, I'm not really that needy (especially when it comes to online relationships), but it makes no difference. I'm just never in the "in crowd." And if you don't believe that every forum has an "in" crowd then you're fooling yourself. It's much like highschool was; the cool girls hand out with the cool guys and the rest of us are supposed to live in the shadows and bask in any sort of attention they throw are way. I'm too old for that. I hated highschool then, and I certainly don't want to go back now.
Sometimes I swear I'm the only person this happens to, but I have found out (from opening up to other people on the forum) that I am far from alone in my feelings of inadequacy.

There is a small group of us; both male and female, who only want to be accepted and treated with respect--treated as if we actually have some personal value and that we might mean something in the scheme of the universe. That's all we really want. We don't need to be the he-man or the beauty queen. We don't need to be the mysterious genius who deigns to join us all on occasion (no doubt brightening our otherwise dreary lives). We are the ones who just want a response, even one response, to our posts. We are the ones who want to have someone tell us that we made their day, that we made them laugh. We want a house and space of our own because we crave a security that we are not fortunate enough to have in our lives.
So next time, when your posting and someone who is not the "popular" person--someone who is just the average anyone- reaches out to you, if only by posting to you. Remember, we all need to feel wanted once in a while. And some of us our long overdue for that gift.